Communicating in relationships are never easy as the old saying goes. However, it seems that more and more couples are expecting otherwise. This could stem from the influence of fairy tale delusions, or simply lacking in understanding of human-to-human interactions. As the world becomes more digital – the intricacies of courtship and relationship building seems to fade away day by day. As someone who finds joy in relationships, this is a pressing issue and I do not intend to simply sit idly as I watch more and more couples working with the wrong formulae.
“Yoda your love life” is a series focusing on teaching young-ins how to be better at being together. From the littlest details to big picture thinking, I will help you guys in building that healthy relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Interplanetary communication
“Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” – a book authored by John Gray, depicts men and women to have fundamental psychological differences which causes them to be more adversarial than complementary when communicating in relationships. To put things into perspective, let me paint a scenario that is all too familiar for us all.
One day, you come home from work. You find your partner giving off this bad vibe – they’re in a bad mood. Being the good partner you are, you ask them if they’re ok or not. They replied that nothing’s the matter, yet they continue to sulk harder now. What do you do? Do you:
- Pester them about it?
- Do you just let it be as you don’t find it worthwhile to dig deeper?
- You figured it’s a catch-22, you become stressed as you don’t know how to respond and your partner will be more mad to see you not doing anything!
This is an example of where communication breakdown happens. I do not recommend any of those 3 options. You may think that they somehow work, but won’t be effective enough to keep up. It’ll only cause resentment, fights and quarrels if you can’t express your thoughts properly to one another. Even office wars can be avoided with good communication because by expressing your thoughts, those messages can be translated correctly and avoids any conflict.
Know that you interact differently
The worst mistake that you can make is to think that your partner understands, thinks and conveys the same way as you do. Apart from certain contexts, communication styles between men and women varies differently – especially more so when it comes to romantic relationships.
Let’s take the earlier scenario as our case study here. It’s common enough that it’s relatable and is applicable to many other matters of communication that will arise. Here’s how you can correctly interpret the situation.
Lesson for the men
Your partner only want your mind and heart to hear their feelings – a.k.a not focusing on the content of the conversation but the context!
For men, we tend to absorb information and breaking them into small chunks. Detecting the key points and extracting only the valuable information in lengthy content is how we are wired to take in information. Perfect in a problem solving environment like at school or work – backfires when it comes to communicating in our romantic relationships.
Your partner is not a problem to be resolved or a machine to be fixed. Offering solutions does not count as listening as you’ve failed to take into account of their feelings! What you need to do is listen – listen with a passion, even better. By being there side by side, physically and emotionally, and responding with nods while keeping eye contact – that is how she will be able to feel your support and know that you are acknowledging her feelings.
Pay attention to the smallest of details as your woman is like your universe. There are tons of things you need to discover about her life, opening your eyes and ear for her is the first step
Lesson for the women
I know when you feel irritated, you tend not to share your thoughts and feelings. You want your man to be able to just “get it” and to be able to push all the right buttons every single time. Truthfully speaking, that is the fastest way lose a guy’s attention – like a kid wandering around the shopping mall.
Most probably your partner have made the mistake of solving your problem rather than listening to your problem. Sometimes men can get carried away fiddling on the solution while ignoring all other sentiments. A great way to resolve this is that before you begin any sharing session with him, preface the conversation by telling him what you want. Either you want him to actually solve the problem or simply listen to you.
By giving him that small but key piece of information, he’ll know how best to respond to you. It’s a win-win situation for everybody! Expressing your feelings wholly is important as some may not be able to read between the lines well enough to understand your hind messages.
The key to harmony
Communicating effectively can help harmonize relationships as pretty much 90% of what couple do together involves talking to one another. Refuse to improve on this aspect and even the simplest of question like “What do you want to eat tonight?”, can be enough to derail the entire conversation. For men, our focus is on the issue presented – what to eat. While for women, more often than not, it’s a conversation starter as they probably already have an answer in mind anyways.
Communication is a skill not mastered in a year, but a lifelong process. It’s a practiced skill and cooperation with your significant other would definitely help immensely.
Your homework for this week is to share this article with your partner and have a fruitful discussion about a topic that’s been on your mind. It can be something that goes on at work, maybe something to do about the in-laws, or simply just sharing how your day have been with them.
Start with the normal, neutral topics first before moving onto bigger ones. Whenever either one of you feel the urge to vent – remind one another of the 2 lessons you learned today. Practice well and you will eventually become the Yoda of communicating!