If you feel anxious, you are not a weirdo, you are, like me, just a normal human being.
Anxiety, in simple terms, is simply a way of how the body responds to threat. Despite the social stigma surrounding anxiety, It is a perfectly normal reaction. When we face a stressful situation, our body enters this fight-or-flight state in which it prepares us to either fight the incoming stress or help us run away from it. However, once the stressor is gone, that anxious feeling should subside and we’re enveloped with a sense of calmness. This is the normal reaction most people will go through throughout their lives.
On the other hand, there are people that don’t calm down even after the stressor is long gone. They are constantly anxious and they don’t really know why. They tend to start getting physical ailments like stomach pains, breathing difficulties, tensed muscles and others which are hindrances to living their daily lives. This is what can be diagnosed as having anxiety disorder. There are a myriad of factors like our core beliefs from our childhood, a traumatic event, and others that have been scientifically researched to death.
However, I’m not going to go too much into parroting why it happens, but more towards coping strategies for those with anxiety disorder. I believe most of us that stumble to this article comes searching for remedies rather than a diagnosis – which should be done by a professional anyways.
As you may have gathered, I had my own fair share of anxiety issues to deal with. For the longest time, it impacted my life in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. Detouring away from my usual topic on physical fitness for a bit, I’d like to take this chance to share my relationship with anxiety and ways of how I personally manage them. After all, November is the month to raise awareness for men’s health!
The Villain Origin Story
For as far back as I can remember, I would occasionally go to bed with a heavy chest. As if a stone is crushing me as I sleep and I can’t explain why. The very next day, something bad would almost always happen. Being the kid I was, I believed it was my superpower! One that lets me predict bad things that’s going to happen to me – woohoo!
I didn’t think much of it as it happens once in a while through out my early pre-teens. Then, physical symptoms started to appear towards my late adolescent years. I would randomly have fingers shaking, tingling feelings, dry throat, you name it. I felt like I’m constantly having problems with illnesses that I can never truly get rid off. It all got worse when someone whom I truly respected was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Yes, one month ago we were partying for the new year, a month later she was bedridden. The constant worry of her worsening condition made me anxious all the time.
This was my earliest recollection of when my anxiety issues resurfaced – much more prominent and detrimental than ever before.
The Last Straw
One night, she was rushed to the ICU following a sudden emergency. I was told to wait outside the emergency room as the doctors went for a private conversation with my parents. I remember vividly looking at her x-rays as I overheard their conversation from behind the door. There were talks on chemotherapy costs, what predicament they’re in and a suggestion to… ‘ending her life, pain free’. Needless to say, I regretted eavesdropping. As we’re about to leave, I looked over to her lying on her bed. She doesn’t speak much Malay or English, but she’s someone who’s close and dear to me. I could only hold back my tears then.
On her last night on this beautiful planet, I didn’t even dare to go back to the hospital to bid farewell. During this period, I tried to smile and laugh, lying to myself that I am alright but clearly my whole psyche was saying otherwise. I started to block out painful memories, having pain in the most random of areas like under my eyelids, and getting the whole symptoms of anxiety. I was constantly afraid. Perhaps of death or perhaps of contracting cancer myself. I prayed nightly, hoping that I can still wake up the next day.
At this point, I didn’t know what it was. My thought process was that I should just suck it up and chalk it all up to me grieving over a passed loved one. Working out was my escape zone. Pushing myself to beat my personal best was my modus operandi in coping against pain. I fell absolutely in love with process and forgot all about my anxiety.
Second Encounter
All is well and good up to until early 2018. Whenever I am scared or down, I would workout – that is where I feel most at peace. However, it all came crashing down when I had an incident that injured my shoulder. An old chiropractor of mine helped me to “readjust” it and since then, gave me a laundry list of things that I can and cannot do. She coined some of it as “dangerous exercises that can irritate the shoulder”. Being the gym rat, I kind of knew what to avoid. It wasn’t as fun as I can’t do some of my favorite exercises, but I’m patient enough to wait for a full recovery.
Ironically, my next injury didn’t come from a gym accident but from a force of habit. I was reaching behind my back with my injured shoulder which triggered the intense pain again. In a state of panic, I texted my chiro in hopes to get a comforting reply. Instead, I was met with a harsh “DON’T DO THAT!!” which spiraled my panic out of control. Since then, I stopped moving my arm entirely – even constructing a make-shift sling to boot. In hindsight, I didn’t know why I did it, I had an urge to just do it to calm my anxiousness. I would also frequent my appointment visits with her, which left her contemptuous. She eventually said “Don’t come as often or else other customers will think that my treatments doesn’t work!” – that was what truly made me feel shameful and guilty.
I isolated myself and became bedridden most of the days out of fear. I barely had my 2 meals, cry most of the time, and didn’t feel like showering or to see another soul for weeks on end. My anxiety kicked up a notch once more, leaving me scared to even sit, stand or even bend to tie my own shoelaces. The whole experience left me alone with my disdainful thoughts.
“YOU ARE STUPID!”, “I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!”, “YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE!”, they screamed in my head.
This I remembered clearly to be my second encounter with crippling anxiety which lead to all sorts of irrational actions. My shoulder healed but the anxiety remained long after.
The Road To Recovery
Fast forward to today, I’m glad to say that I’m faring much better. I can’t say definitively how I got better but I can think of a few ways on managing my anxiety. If you’ve skipped my lengthy story time then this is where you’d be interested to read on.
1. Setting small goals
When you’re feeling anxious, you get this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Getting stuck in paralysis analysis is a common occurrence. That’s basically how I operated – simply existing and trying to get through to the next day. It was not a pleasant experience. So, I made sure to set very easy and doable goals to get myself out of the rut.
For me, it was making sure that I get up for breakfast and have 3 meals a day – even cooking my favorite food once in a while. This helped me grow out of my negative thoughts and as proof that I actually can do things!
2. Learning what I am afraid of
They say there’s nothing like the fear of the unknown. I was too dependent on my chiropractor to help me in recovery and being my unofficial shrink. It took my quite a while to realize it’s something that I am fully capable of doing myself. I was afraid of pain and movement that can cause injuries – stemming from my own irrational fear that I won’t be able to work out like how I use to.
With that in mind, I sought to study more on physiotherapy. I learned about how the body works, the limitations of joints movement and case studies on causes of injuries. It truly helped me see the bigger picture. With this knowledge, I feel much more confident in my rehabilitation methods and empowered me to help others facing a similar fear.
3. Meditation
This is the most important part of my recovery from anxiety. I invested into learning about meditation and have been doing it daily for 10 minutes each day. It has taught me to accept the fear and the physical symptoms that comes with anxiety. I can gain comfort from knowing I’m able to learn to live this heavy heart of mine.
4. Helping others as much as I can
Human beings are social. We can’t live indefinitely stuck in our room without any interaction! Giving back to society and comforting others through their own hard times are able to give me a sense of fulfillment in life. It’s a purpose which gave me the drive to wake up every morning. The easiest would be to get out there and do some volunteering work for any cause. You will then learn what truly brings you joy and meaning in life.
A Note To The Readers
I wouldn’t consider myself as the master when it comes to conquering anxiety. I feel that I am just as much as a warrior as anyone out there battling with this issue. Anxiety can come up during the worst of days and sometimes it can get to me when I least expected it. That’s where I will constantly try to improve myself and find new ways to enjoy life.
Being kind to myself, being brave enough to be open and sharing my story with all of you – it’s no easy feat. However, that’s how I get to break out of my comfort zone and experience new joys in life. It really puts things into perspective how much you can move forward from your dark days that seems to be never ending. They say Hindsight is 20/20, but I believe it all happens just as it was preordained.
To everyone out there that’s battling with anxiety issues, do NOT give up on yourselves. You can bet that everyone else doesn’t too! Things will get better along the way. When that time comes, let’s all have a nice chat over coffee and have a nice laugh reminiscing on the past ☕.