Nowadays, it has become much easier to determine what’s considered abuse towards women, and what isn’t. With men being more physically able and violent in nature, physical abusers are easy pickings for violating women’s rights. But what about those who are emotional abusers or psychological abusers?
Emotional abuse is not just a one-time occurrence of someone insulting or humiliating another person, oh no. It is a pattern of behavior that creates fear and control. In other words, it is the mistreatment of a person in such a way that they feel constant fear and have drastically lowered self-esteem.
To further understand this, I would want to share a particularly story that highlights exactly what you should be looking out for in your relationships. Hopefully, this will help others to also understand how emotional abusers keep their claws into their victim for long periods of time.
Emotional Abusers Crosses Boundaries
This story involved university students. She was a happy girlfriend who got into the relationship 1 year in. She was happy, she loved her boyfriend with all her heart. However, her boyfriend’s actions make me question if he felt the same.
She just made it to her second year of university, her boyfriend on the other hand just started his university life. He decided to join the same university. He had some issues in regards to accommodations and asked if he could stay with her (he lived far away from the university) for a few days. Now, she is a very traditional and introverted girl. She would feel very uncomfortable to have another man sleeping with her even though they have been together for 1 year. She was reluctant but she uttered a “sure”.
Till this day, it is baffling how he managed to get her to agree to it. Emotional abusers tend to employ the use of charm, guilt or coercion to get what they want. Either way, your partner should NOT pressure you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. This person’s partner has clearly crossed a boundary and learned that he could get away with it. Do not let others cross your boundary, even once!
Emotional Abusers Gaslights
The day came when he moved in, it was right when she’s about to take a test the upcoming day and wanted to get a good night’s rest. As of then, she’s the only person holding the master key to the house. She didn’t mind passing him the key if he were to be out late, but he assured her he won’t. She trusted his words and decided not to nag on further on this matter.
As it gets later, there was no sign of the boyfriend coming home. She texted and called him – but, only dead silence. Eventually, she couldn’t stay awake any longer and decided to get some rest. She locked the gates and told herself that she’ll come running to open once he’s back – nothing can go wrong, right? Although anxious, she turned off her bedroom light and rested her head on the pillow. She recalled struggling to fall asleep, hoping he would come back soon – but she dozed off after some time…
As the night rolled over to around 2 am, sure enough he returned and banged at the door violently, yelling at her to open up. This startled her from her groggy state and she swiftly made her way down to unlock the doors. He was fuming and red from intoxication. An argument ensued but all the time, the boyfriend would pin the blame on her for keeping him out late. While the girlfriend stood her ground, she began to question her own reality – “Maybe I really am the one at fault here?”, “Did I really kept him out till this late?”. She ended up apologizing.
This, ladies and gentlemen, seems odd for external viewers and doesn’t make any sense. Why is the girlfriend apologizing while it was clearly the boyfriend who’s at fault? Gaslighting does just that to victims of emotional abusers. It mentally distorts your reality and able to convince you of something completely untrue, no matter how absurd it really is. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that most emotional abusers would do to keep their victims tethered.
Remember to always trust your gut and think rationally. If it sounds like the situation is not what it seems to you, then trust yourself and stay grounded when they challenge your belief. That is the way to break free from the gaslighting curse.
Hear What Emotional Abusers Say
Most of their days following this scuffle were filled with petty arguments. It usually ends with her apologizing while helping him do his chores such as washing his clothes, cooking and cleaning up after himself. The girlfriend is neck deep into his web of lies to even notice.
Finally, one argument was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
The university they’re attending holds these Bazaar Tuesdays where campus is filled with food and games that is open just to the students. Thinking that this is the perfect getaway from the hassles of study and to reconcile, the two agreed on a date. So they set a date on a Tuesday evening and planned to meet at 5.30 pm sharp. Unfortunately, when the day and time of the meeting rolled by, the boyfriend was never to be seen. Thinking that something wrong might happen, she took out her phone and called him. On the other line, he answered but doesn’t sound pleased.
“Where are you?” she asked.
“On the way to Mamak (an open-air food establishment)… Why?” he replied.
“You promised to meet me at 5.30 pm,” she irritatingly reminded.
“Oh sorry… I – uh, left my bottle at the Mamak. I am heading over to take it now.”
“Can’t you take it later? It’s already getting late-…”
“NO! My bottle is more important than you!“
This time, she got really mad and threatened a breakup. He nonchalantly agreed and ended the relationship himself. Although that sliver of confidence made her brave enough to stand up to him, she was still clearly holding onto the “relationship”, and not expect him to go through with the breakup.
It’s important to note that this wasn’t the first time the now ex-boyfriend had belittled her. In fact, she has gotten so used to all the name callings and belittlements that she’s grown accustomed to the damaging way he’s spoken to her. This makes it even harder for people to realize just how awful they are being treated. Do NOT be blinded by sweet words that’s suppose to absolve emotional abusers from their nasty retorts. Actually hear what they say and reason with yourself – is this how a respectable human being interacts with another?
The Aftermath
She wept for days and finally decided to apologize for her actions (due to the gaslighting again). She drove herself to his house when she JUST got her license – she was that desperate. When she rang the doorbell, nobody answered. She tried calling, again the same silent treatment.
The dark clouds start to fill the skies, but she kept trying, thoughts such as “please open up” fill her head, but the gates remained shut on her. Soon the rain poured. She was soaked, tears streamed down her face as she began to feel really pathetic. Fortune has it, his sister arrived home on time to catch her. She willingly brought her in and comforted her before the ex-girlfriend went home.
What Can You Takeaway From This?
Sounds a lot like your common, everyday soap opera doesn’t it? But I can assure you that reality can be cruller than fiction. This happened in the university I attended and to someone I know closely. Fortunately, she snapped out of it and didn’t go back to her abusive ex-boyfriend.
Now, as a reader, you may feel distraught and think, “Well of course this is abuse! How could she had not known? He was totally no treating her as a human being!”. That’s the scary part, emotional abuse can be as devastating or if not, have worse effects compared to physical abuse. There are no restraining orders for being verbally abusive or being an emotional abuser. These are difficult to see on the surface but have longer lasting effects on the victims mental health and psyche.
Till this day there are still cases of women being so emotionally damaged that they suffer from long-term low self-esteem issues, depressive thoughts and self-harming tendencies – all due to the belief set that they are “inadequate” for their partners. Sadly, most of these cases also go unreported. Why? well, the shame that comes with it. Many women feel ashamed that they allow their partners to treat them that way. Hence, they would rather leave it to rest in the depths of their memory praying time can help them in forgetting this painful experience.
So now that you are aware of the tricks that emotional abusers have on women, perhaps you’re starting to also realize some peculiar behaviors with your relatives, friends, acquaintance or even your own relationships! It is best to stay cautious and do some introspection to see if you or anyone you know is actually being emotionally abused/abusive!
For more support on handling against abusers, check out this article!