Becoming a Mother: It’s Not That Simple. It’s Complex and Unique To Every Woman
Becoming a parent is an undeniable experiential/ transitional transformation- this is especially true for women when they enter motherhood. However, because of society today, there are many different portrayals of being a mother. In this case, media depiction of becoming a mom tends to be either overdramatic or oversimplified. Especially when it comes to giving birth. Evidently, labour tends to be stereotyped as very painful labour with images of moms pushing and screaming and then there is the instant bliss and happiness once the ‘bundle of joy’ is out and everything that comes afterbirth is vague and almost assumed as a happily ever after.
Many believe that you become a mother when a baby is born, but I think that is a common misconception. It does not tell the whole story; it under-acknowledges the complexity and uniqueness of the motherhood journey. In reality, the experience of becoming a mother is highly complex and evolutionary. The process can happen even way before a baby is ‘birthed’ and also, no one can say if you can ever undo or complete the process of ‘becoming’ a mom.
There is no standard pinpoint to say where/when it starts and where it ends. Even if the process of giving birth may be the same for mothers; no two moms, or the same mom, can describe each of their mothering stories as identical.
Postpartum: The Dark Grey Area
So what REALLY happens after you have a baby?
One of the important areas in motherhood that’s hardly acknowledged is postpartum life. We don’t get to learn much about postpartum. We don’t learn about it in school. And we don’t really hear much from people openly discussing it either. Media poor representations about postpartum alienates this part of motherhood and makes it harder for women to appreciate their own motherhood journey because it looks different to what’s been expected and assumed.
There seems to be this socially-constructed invisible box of shame or fear many people hold guarding the truth that parenthood, especially motherhood life is hard and parents (be it a mother or a dad) are entitled to receive help in child-raising.
Cultural taboo also makes it hard for moms to be brave to talk about postpartum honestly. Take for instance; we are nurtured in a community that values being grateful and being granted a child is a blessing, hence we need to only speak of the good side of parenthood/motherhood. And if we speak otherwise, we put ourselves at risk for appearing ingratitude or perceived somewhat less of a mother.
So we learn to dismiss and discount our own challenges and wins during the parenting journey. Which consequently, makes it seem to others it’s all easy and ‘ordinary’ on the outside, when in fact, each of our own stories and journeys had been extraordinary in its own respect.
The Transitions of New Moms
Generally, there are some notable physical, psychological and emotional changes you go through when you go through matresence. To some degree, there is a shared commonality among new mothers after having a baby.
For a lot of mothers, about 80% of moms, generally feel a whirlwind of emotions and are overwhelmed by ‘baby blues’ in the first few weeks of having a baby. So if you are going through this right now, please know you are not alone.
Baby Blues is a common experience when you’d feel very sensitive during the early adjustment phase of having your child. Your mood goes up and down with a range of emotions visiting you such as being happy, teary, anxious, irritable. All these at once- when you have a new little one.
The psychological and biological changes that are happening are hardly seen because it’s mainly happening quietly. Your body and brain goes through changes; your hormones, identity, roles and your time and space changes. For many moms, these ‘quiet’ changes are well adjusted after the first two weeks and the blues seem to diffuse.
However, for some moms, the unpleasant feelings seem to stay with them longer than anticipated. The sadness, the frustration, the ambivalence, the sleep issues and exhaustion seem to outstay their welcome even beyond the confinement days. Research findings are showing us that at least 1 in 7 women experiences serious depression or anxiety during pregnancy or postpartum (especially in the first 2 years after having a child). So if you know 7 birthing moms, most likely you know 1 person who could be struggling in her motherhood journey.
Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADS)
Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) do happen, even to the best of us. They are easily underdiagnosed and if not identified and helped, the problem can go on affecting lives of mother and her families, and unfortunately it can be misconceived or generalised as ‘moody parents’, ‘a difficult or crazy parent’.
So if you are struggling or know a mother who is suffering, find a trusted person and seek a professional to understand your situation/condition. PMADs are treatable and the sooner you identify and receive help, you can live and gain satisfaction in motherhood and life.
How About Mothers Beyond Birthing Mothers?
For some of us women who experience a different pathway of having a child. Namely through adoption or fostering, you can still experience similar psycho-emotional changes in you. You may not physically go through a similar process of pregnancy and birthing but the situation you go through and the hormonal changes and identity and role shifts still apply to you. You are no less or exempted in this regard, in the journey of becoming a mother.
In fact, post adoption depression can happen. A research done by Seneky et al in 2009 has reported that adoptive mothers go through similar depressive symptoms. Their findings showed that there is no significant difference in the incidence of depression between adoptive and birth mothers.
So regardless of the type of ‘passage’ a woman experiences, and how long the experience is for them, once you’ve travelled through the motherhood path you are also still a mother, and not immune to challenges such as perinatal mood and anxiety challenges.
So What Can We Do To Better Care for New Moms?
As new moms…
Ensure you cover your basic needs as a new mother. This includes good nutrition, proper sleep, help with baby, social support for you, time and space for yourself. Your new baby matters and so do you.
Talk to people you trust when in need of a shoulder to lean on. Also important to learn about a mother’s mental health. Be aware of symptoms related to Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders.
If things aren’t the way you anticipate and that you are truly struggling, and you think the world doesn’t seem to understand or dismissive towards you, stay honest about yourself and be brave to reach out to someone who gets you. Because sometimes, it does take someone who has lived experiences similar to yours, to truly be able to understand you and genuinely empathise what’s happening to you. So find that person.
That being said, a support group can be that place. It can provide you a safe space for you to find your voice and be part of a motherhood tribe who share similar experiences with you. Most importantly, discuss with a doctor or health professional the challenges you face to identify what help and support that works best for you.
Lastly, know you are not alone. You deserve help and health and happiness in your motherhood journey. You will be okay.
On Being Supportive to New Moms
Here’s how you can be a supportive person to a new mom as it can be helpful throughout their journey:
- Practice Compassion. Be kind, try to check- in on her from time to time. Such as really asking her ‘how are you?’.
- Ensure her basic needs are sorted. Assist in daily activities/chores to provide ease and that she can have rest and respite from mothering roles/ duties.
- Help with child-care. I.e. looking after baby/child time to time as appropriate while also encouraging her to take time for herself to recover and rest as she needs.
- Avoid putting expectations on the mom. And prepare to listen with empathy or compassion when she does open up and do not judge or compare her with anyone.
- Provide Moms with words of affirmations/ assurances. Such as “I see you trying and you are doing your best”. “You may find it hard to believe this right now, but I believe you are a good mom”. During tough times, kind words like these and affirmations can provide soothe to moms who are struggling.
- Connect her with helpful information/ resources she may benefit e.g. a support group or support services such as therapy/ counselling/ childcare etc.
Helpful Resources To Reach Out To
Brunei: Talian Harapan 145, for mental health helpline; 8am-11pm Brunei Time.
Jaga Mama (IG: Jagamama.co) for maternal health learning resources and group support network. Available for women and mothers from ASEAN countries.
Postpartum Support International https://www.postpartum.net/ for information and resources on Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders.
For our article on fatherhood journey, click here.
About The Guest Writer
JAGAMAMA is an ASEAN community-based initiative aiming to empower women and mothers across ASEAN countries with accessible learning resources and support for better maternal health and wellbeing. It started in July 2021 as a SEED grant winning project initiative funded by the US-ASEAN Women’s Leadership Academy for Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative (YSEALI) founded by 5 women leaders alumni from the 2021 program. Since then, JAGA MAMA has managed to outreach to over 240 women/mothers in different ASEAN countries namely Brunei, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore and Timor Leste.
It hosts a network of mothers and experts in maternal, child, reproductive health, mental health as well as nutrition. JAGA MAMA has curated a maternal learning resource -published in a downloadable e-book. Moving forward, it hopes to continue to grow advocating the voices and needs of mothers and cater to the mothering community by providing avenues for information, education, and support, with hopes to also enhance support for positive child and family development in ASEAN region.